He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Did I show you my penis last night?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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