no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
