I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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