also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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