If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
