Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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