Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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