She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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