it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
