i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
