SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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