I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
