This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
even my farts smell like vagina
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just gargled with NyQuil
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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