Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
