Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Found your dick twin last night
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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