No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
