so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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