seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
