Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
