Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
