1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
