You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
the liver wants what the liver wants
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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