So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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