I love black thongs
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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