I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
