I cannot find my penis.
Fuck appropriateness.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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