So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
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