in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
