dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
