Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My liver just broke up with me...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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