You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
