The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
