Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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