And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
time to smoke my breakfast
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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