You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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