my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize