I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Only a mothe r could love this liver
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize