she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
