oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Someone shattered a urinal.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
