I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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