What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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