What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
