I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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