I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
