Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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