I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
