My hand turned me down
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
