i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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