So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
