So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I've blown a few things in my day
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
