The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
