if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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