I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
