She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
