Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
