I'm really into asian looking animals
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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