So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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