Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He passed out mid-signature
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
