Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
