I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Floor bacon is actually really good
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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