My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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