i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
