conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
