imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize