Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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