Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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